Crossing a Friend To Feel Alive
by TheRaggidyGallifreyan
Summary: Sirius Black wasnt always a lonely fugitive with no family. He once had everything: money, a life, friends, love. Read to find out how everything went downhill. Previously called "Dead Inside"
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Hey people! So, this is my fourth story so all I'm asking is for four reviews...please? Four reviews gets the next chapter but, if its ages before I get them then I'll just upload anyways! It's short, I know. Sorry...anyways, Enjoy.

Sirius watched as sweat poured down her face. Her features twisted in pain and he could feel her tight grip on his hand. She took a shakey breath and pushed again, letting out shrieks of pain every now and then.

It was only hours ago that they were planning the future, wondering what they would call the baby, if it would be a boy or girl, if it would take after its daddy, the messer or its mommy, the brainy one.

Now, as Sirius watched her trying to bring this baby into the world even though it caused her immense pain, he wondered if they would be better off without the baby.

He watched as the healers gave her words of encouragement, saying "almost there now" and "just push another few times", as they exchanged concerned looks and as one ran out of the room to call for the head healer.

The remaining one broke the trance Sirius was in with 7 words that made his blood run cold: "There are some complications with the baby". "W-what? Whats wrong? Whats happened? What are you going to do" he babbled, fearing for the worst. "The baby is too big to travel down and out through the vagina. We will have to perform a C-Section" the healer explained, glancing at the woman on the bed with a worried expression on her face.

"She will be ok, wont she?" he asked, worried for the baby and its beautiful mother. "We'll try our best" the healer said and ushered Sirius out of the room as the head healer came in, followed closely by the other healer. Sirius tried not to think of what had gone wrong. With the disease still in her system, who knew what was really wrong. He wandered around the hallways, buried in his own thoughts. He went down to the cafeteria to get something to eat but on the way down he saw so many couples with their newborn babies that by the time he had gotten to the cafeteria he felt sick to his stomach. He got a bottle of water and went back to the area outside the room she was in. He sat down on a chair and waited.

o.0.o.

Sirius didnt know how long had passed since he was kicked out of the room, all the knew was that that woman on the bed was having his baby, that because of him, she has to have her stomach sliced open and...that he loved her. He loved her, and he loved this baby, no matter what.

He opened the door just in time to hear the woman he loved flat-lining. The healers tried every spell they knew to try and re-start her heart, they even used a defibulator. Nothing worked.

Sirius collapsed against the doorframe, tears streaming down his face as he looked at the pale face of the dead woman in front of him. She was gone. The only woman he had ever fallen in love with was gone.

Hours later he was sitting in a cold, hard plastic chair that smelt of disinfectant, drinking luke-warm coffee that tasted like tar, still trying to process the fact that she was gone. A movement in front of him stirred him from his thoughts.

He looked up into the face of the same healer that told him there were complications, "Would you like anything, sir?" she asked, her voice wavering to think of what had happened to this man in the past 4 hours. Sirius thought for a moment and his eyes lit up, "I would like to see th-MY baby please". The healer hesitated and Sirius knew what was coming before she even said it. "Im sorry sir. The baby didnt make it either"


	2. Chapter 2

Ever since that day, Sirius kept to himself. He wasn't going to let himself fall for another woman only to be hurt again. Kaylee meant everything to him and she had died, because in a drunken frenzy, he had forgotten to use protection. They had wanted kids, but not then. Not while Kaylee was still sick. She had been suffering from a strange illness that she had picked up from a remote wizarding village in a far out area in the Sahara.

It caused her bones to become extremely fragile, her organs to become so delicate that an accidental nudge could bruise or even cut her and it caused her blood vessels to rip or tear very easily.

She had been getting stronger every day for the past month. Her bones were stronger than ever and her organs were back to normal, it was the blood vessels that were the problem. While everything else got better, they never changed.

When she was having the baby, while the baby was in the vaginal canal the umbilacle cord ripped and the blood vessels went hay-wire. While the C-Section was being performed they tore a pretty big vein, normally, they would have stitched it up and it would have been fine. No. The disease affected the vessels in such a way that, if cut, they would not re-form. They would stay seperate for good. Kaylee died from blood-loss.

As for the baby...it turned out that it wasn't the fact that it was too big to fit through the vagina. It was the umbilacle cord. It wrapped around the baby's neck. Kaylee pushing and the muscles contracting was pushing the baby down. It was hung by its own umbilacle cord.

Sirius had gotten letters from all his friends saying they were "sorry for his losses". They didn't understand that a simple piece of parchment and ink couldn't make the pain go away. It couldn't erase the cold, hollow feeling inside him. Nothing could.

Sirius stayed that way for months, only leaving the darkness of his house to get supplies that were essential for living. Food and drink. Thats all he got. The rest he made Kreacher get.

He never wrote to anybody anymore. No-one had heard from him since the funerals. He didn't write, he wouldnt meet up with them. His social life was non-existant.

Then he had a visitor. She gave him a shoulder to cry on, a friend in his time of need. She became his closest friend and the one who made him feel again. She came by every day with news of what was happening in the outside world, something that Sirius was touched by. He longed to know what was happening with Voldemort and the Death Eaters, to know if any of his friends had been killed.

One day she turned up pale and shivering. Her eyes were puffy and her face tear-stained. She walked past Sirius in a zombie-like trance and fell onto the sofa. He walked over to her, sat down beside her and wrapped his arms around her, pulling her close. She cried into his chest for what seemed like hours and then pried herself off him. She wiped her eyes and sniffled. "They're dead Si. Voldemort killed my parents," she said, her voice low and dull.

Sirius was shocked. The woman sitting in front of him was the kindest soul he had every met. She was sweet, kind, caring and very beautiful. She didnt deserve something like this to happen to her. "I'm so sorry. You dont deserve something lik-," he was cut off by her pressing her lips to his. Her kiss was full of want but Sirius knew he couldnt take advantage of her while she was in this state.

He pushed her off and said "You have a husband, friends, a LIFE! Please, don't ruin that. I cant bare the thought of you winding up like me."

"Sirius, please. I need a distraction. I need to be able to focus on anything but the pain I'm feeling," she replied, pressing her lips to his again, this time with more force and passion.

When they came up for air, their lips were puffy and red. Sometime during the make-out session, Sirius had pulled her onto his lap. She could feel him underneath her and pressed down into his lap, making him groan in response. "Maybe we should take this upstairs?" Sirius said huskily. She nodded and he carried her up the stairs, sucking on her neck all the way up. She closed her eyes, reveling in the pleasure coursing through her body. This was the perfect distraction.


	3. Chapter 3

Hey FanFiction! So I decided to finish this for ye tonight. Welome! Its about half twelve at night now...oops. Its shorter than I wanted it to be but I really wanted to get this up tonight. Im gonna answer reviews...

TheGalInBlack: Hope this answers your questions :)

Lucy Collins (I think that was what you put in the review): I guess I owe you a few apologies. Im sorry you dont like me story. Im sorry for letting out my depression on poor Padfoot. Im sorry you cant spell properly. Im sorry for "slowly raping your eyeballs". Most of all, Im sorry that I dont care. I recently realised that not everyone is going to like me. Im ok with that. If everyone liked me, I wouldnt be able to bitch about anyone. So, basically, I respect your opinion and thanks for reviewing :)

CHAPTER 3

Sirius was mentally kicking himself. He had sex with a married woman...AND he hadnt used protection. It was going to be Kaylee all over again. Then her husband would hate him and he would never be able to show his face ever again. How could he be so stupid!

Sirius hadnt seen her for the past five days. She left early the next morning and hadnt come back since.

The more he thought of it the more depressed him. He had lost the one person he could talk to. He sat on the couch, wondering what to do next when he heard a THUNK! and the screech of an owl. He opened the window and looked down at the ground. Sure enough, there was his dumbass owl, Pip, who had just flown into the window. Sirius stretched out an arm and Pip hopped onto it. He pulled his arm in and shut the window, eying the letter stuck to his leg.

Pip stuck his leg out impatiantly, waiting for Sirius to take the letter off. When he did, Pip flew off to pester Kreacher for some mice.

Sirius opened the letter rather hesitantly after noticing it was James' handwriting.

Dear Padfoot,

Why havent you been replying to my letters? I know you're still in pain after what happened but you need to start trying to get back to normal, just like I did after my parents died. Lily and I would like to invite you to dinner tomorrow night. We have some things we want to tell you.

We hope you decide to show,

Love,

Prongs and his doe

Sirius sighed. Why did everyone want him to come over? Why couldnt they just leave him alone? But if they had news that they couldnt reveal in a letter then maybe it was important. He sighed again as he composed his reply.

Dear Prongs and his doe,

First of all, Lily? Are you siriusly going to let James write "and his doe" in every letter? As if you're his possesion?

There! Now that I've caused a little trouble for Prongsie I can reply properly!

I know I should be getting back to normal but it so hard to. Even still, I wake up every morning and come downstairs, expecting Kaylee to be curled up watching one of those muggle shows. You know, Jerry Spaniel or Steve Windows or whatever they're called. Every night, I cook dinner for two without thinking about it. I dont cook anything with nuts or seafood in it in case she has an allergic reaction. Its just too hard to move on. I've decided I will come to dinner, I think it'll do me some good to get out.

Thank you.

Love,

Padfoot

Sirius attached the letter to Pip, who was very displeased at the thought of another long flight, and he shot out the window. He sighed and went out to the kitchen to make dinner and then he went up to bed, dreading the next day.

Sirius woke up feeling anxious and it took him a minute to realise why. For the first time in 2 years, he was going to see James.

When the time came to leave Sirius checked his appearance in the mirror. His hair was long and scruffy and he had bags under his eyes. Maybe walking wasnt the best idea...

"Accio floo-powder" he sighed. The Floo-network wasnt great around The Potters'. If you werent paying attention you would end up in a ditch somewhere in the middle of Ireland.

He stepped into the fireplace and threw the Floo-Powder into the flames. "The Potters House" he said as the flames engulfed him, hoping that he would end up in a ditch.

Sadly, that was not the case. He arrived,fully intact, in the Potters living room. "HONEY, IM HOME!" he bellowed as Lily walked into the room. "Sirius! How good to see you! Sit down!" she said in a slightly strained voice, "James, Sirius is here!"

James thundered down the stairs, taking them two at a time. "PADFOOT!" he yelled, pulling Sirius into a hug when he got into the room. "We have so much to tell you, dont we Lily?!" James said excitedly, hopping from one foot to another. "Yeah, we do.." Lily forced a strained smile onto her face, "Im having a baby"

The colour drained from Sirius' face. He had gotten Lily Evans pregnant.


	4. Chapter 4

Um...hi. *ducks fruit/bricks thrown at me*

So...I havent updated in a few months...Im sorry! I've lost interest in writing these last few months and gotten interested in YouTubers...If you dont know who they are, run. But if you know who Dan Howell (danisnotonfire) and Phil Lester (AmazingPhil) are then you get an internet hug!

(^.^)

So, my stories. Chapter 3 of CAFTFA is half written from ages ago so I will continue that! My Lily and James one...still not sure about it. I might re-write some chapters to see if I can improve/get back into the swing of it.

The SP 10 wotd challenge will be continued as I have promised to write someone a chapter. The HP one will be discontinued because I have no reviews with words for it!

Should I make a second chapter for The First Dance? If so, will I continue with Draco and Hermione or just do chapters with different HP couples on different occasions?

Also, follow me on twitter: HPhangirl

~Me :3


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